What Comes After
I should probably just turn off my laptop and try to sleep, but I just feel like a giant ball of tangled rainbow yarn and I doubt I could sleep without writing something, ANYTHING, to pull a few threads loose so tomorrow will seem simpler. I know it's just stress and serious lack of sleep, but my emotions have been all over the map today and I am WORN OUT. I hate feeling this way because it throws me off balance. I am perfectly capable of controlling my emotions MOST of the time. It's just difficult when all of my energy is focused on just keeping my body awake though.
I was so nervous about working and being away from the kids and Heath so much. I still don't like that part, but the work isn't bad and the people I work with are, for the most part, a stellar bunch of people. I've had some really deep conversations and an unending supply of opportunities to sharpen my wit. It's sort of like an emotional high. Or maybe that's just the feeling of being sleep-deprived. Whatever it is, it's been nice to remember what just being me is like. I actually DO have a personality outside of wife and mother, but I tend to forget that. It's been interesting to get to know so many new people and have them actually seem to like me. Granted, they don't know me very well, but if I keep it that way maybe I can actually have friends.
I'm all irritable and smoldering at the moment. It's like no matter what I do I can't get anything right. There's never enough time. There's never enough money. I want to just curl up into a ball and cry for a day or five. Maybe I'm just wearing myself out by pretending to be some normal, happy person all weekend when I probably have no real hope of ever being either one of those. I'll bet you're thinking I should stay on those meds now, aren't you? Like I said. I'm tired and I just need to write some of it out. I try so hard not to think about the things that upset me. Like how much I miss my kids all weekend. How I feel like I'm a horrible mother for spending so much time away from them. How I hardly feel like a mom at ALL when I come home and it makes me feel lost. How I'm scared about being out in the "real" world again because I have all together too much experience with how cruel people can be for no apparent reason. I try my best to be nice to everyone. To be thoughtful and kind, but I'm terrified that I'm still going to piss someone off no matter what I do and I'm going to get hurt again. People, on average, just don't seem to like me. I might as well have "Kick Me" tattooed on my head.
This is the storm. The mad, frantic winds of the tornado that send the debris of my life spiraling into oblivion. My tears are merely the rain that lashes against my face as I stand defiantly against the wind and watch the lightning slash the skies in it's constant battle to upstage the thunder that rolls in like a freight train. I am small. I am weak. I've been thrown before, but it hasn't destroyed me yet and I stand, daring the storm to crush me in its mighty throes. I know pain. Though I still fear it, I know there is also a measure of comfort in the familiar. It will scar me. It will not leave me unchanged in its fury, but it will not take me yet. My weakness may prove to be my salvation should I learn to bend. Though perhaps I am strong enough to stand against it all. I KNOW there is something more to my life that remains just out of reach. Is it possible this storm will be the one that brings it within reach?
So what comes after? After the storm is spent and all is still? Will I be left standing in the same place I started or will I be miles away with a completely different view? I wish I could see that far ahead, but if I had the insight to see the outcome would I feel the desire to change it and risk losing the lessons it might teach? Ugh. I don't know. I DO know that I'm tired and a mess right now. Must. Suppress. Dark. Twisty. Side.
I'll feel better tomorrow, I'm sure. Sleep is a miracle worker.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Mommy's Ark
I've always loved animals. You might even say I've always had a way with them. When I was just learning to walk, we owned a Siamese cat named Sam. Sam didn't really like anybody but me. I could grab him around the belly and toddle around the house with him, fall on top of him, even put Mr. Potato Head's little green glasses on him, and he still loved me. I've had pets in my life almost constantly and they've all been like family. They have thoughts, feelings, and moods just like we do. Call me crazy, but you won't change my mind.
Lately, it seems like animals needing help show up wherever I go. Actually, I don't even have to leave the house. They just come to me. There was a hint of something supernatural in the sparrow that hit the front window last summer. She seemed so content to just rest in my hand long after she was ready to fly off. That stuck with me. I always feed the animals in our yard and bury any that I find that have died. I feel it's my duty to do what I can for them.
Heath says my heart is a little too big sometimes. I suppose he's right, but I can't imagine being any other way. Since the stray we took in (I still haven't found his name), there have been two more that have come to our house. One has been back twice for food but won't let us touch it yet. Hey, I get that my kids are intimidating. The other belonged to someone several blocks away.
Then, there was the cat that found me on the set of the movie I was working on (nothing glamorous, people) and stuck to me like glue. She came back to meet me every morning we were there. Thankfully, one of the women on-set took her home on Sunday. Heath would NOT have been happy if I brought home another cat!
Today, it was a duck. I swear, I don't go looking for these things. They just happen. I was on my way to get my hair cut and passed a female mallard standing in a puddle near the end of somebody's driveway. That's not uncommon around here. We have several that make their homes in the stream in our backyard. What was uncommon, is the fact that she didn't flinch when I drove by. I was going to keep going, but something inside me said I should stop and go back. So, I did. She was hurt, but I had no idea how badly until I actually caught her. She didn't make it easy, but she couldn't fly either and I couldn't just leave her when I saw she was bleeding. Her chest/belly were torn open, but since she was still moving around I figured the important stuff was still working.
Once I had her wrapped up in Abby's pink satin princess cape (I have weird things in my car) I took her the few blocks to our vet. He wasn't in yet so the lady at the desk sent me to the animal and avian clinic down the street. Makes sense, right? Well, they wouldn't help either since she was a wild animal. WHAT?! She's BLEEDING and OBVIOUSLY needs help! It's not like she has rabies! So they sent me half an hour away to the nearest state university since they have a wildlife rescue program. Had to stop and get gas before I could make THAT drive. Did I mention I was doing all of this with an injured duck in one arm?
I finally get there and say goodbye to her hoping that since she's still awake and trying to move around that nothing vital was damaged and she would be fine. They called me a couple of hours later to tell me she had a lot of muscle damage and they'd thought it best to put her down. If I'd only known that I would have stayed with her! She seemed to trust that I was trying to help her once I had her all bundled up and she realized I wasn't trying to hurt her. I shouldn't have left her alone.
Does this mean my heart is too big? Should I care a little less about these smaller creatures? I just can't accept that. I think there's a reason they find me. I'm not a better person than anyone else. I don't think loving these animals makes me special. I just do what needs to be done and trust things will work out for the best. I'm starting to wonder if there's some reason behind all of these. Is there something I'm missing? Something more I need to do? Am I really just finally starting to lose it? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised to see a lion with a thorn in his paw sitting on my front step some morning. I wonder what's next?
I've always loved animals. You might even say I've always had a way with them. When I was just learning to walk, we owned a Siamese cat named Sam. Sam didn't really like anybody but me. I could grab him around the belly and toddle around the house with him, fall on top of him, even put Mr. Potato Head's little green glasses on him, and he still loved me. I've had pets in my life almost constantly and they've all been like family. They have thoughts, feelings, and moods just like we do. Call me crazy, but you won't change my mind.
Lately, it seems like animals needing help show up wherever I go. Actually, I don't even have to leave the house. They just come to me. There was a hint of something supernatural in the sparrow that hit the front window last summer. She seemed so content to just rest in my hand long after she was ready to fly off. That stuck with me. I always feed the animals in our yard and bury any that I find that have died. I feel it's my duty to do what I can for them.
Heath says my heart is a little too big sometimes. I suppose he's right, but I can't imagine being any other way. Since the stray we took in (I still haven't found his name), there have been two more that have come to our house. One has been back twice for food but won't let us touch it yet. Hey, I get that my kids are intimidating. The other belonged to someone several blocks away.
Then, there was the cat that found me on the set of the movie I was working on (nothing glamorous, people) and stuck to me like glue. She came back to meet me every morning we were there. Thankfully, one of the women on-set took her home on Sunday. Heath would NOT have been happy if I brought home another cat!
Today, it was a duck. I swear, I don't go looking for these things. They just happen. I was on my way to get my hair cut and passed a female mallard standing in a puddle near the end of somebody's driveway. That's not uncommon around here. We have several that make their homes in the stream in our backyard. What was uncommon, is the fact that she didn't flinch when I drove by. I was going to keep going, but something inside me said I should stop and go back. So, I did. She was hurt, but I had no idea how badly until I actually caught her. She didn't make it easy, but she couldn't fly either and I couldn't just leave her when I saw she was bleeding. Her chest/belly were torn open, but since she was still moving around I figured the important stuff was still working.
Once I had her wrapped up in Abby's pink satin princess cape (I have weird things in my car) I took her the few blocks to our vet. He wasn't in yet so the lady at the desk sent me to the animal and avian clinic down the street. Makes sense, right? Well, they wouldn't help either since she was a wild animal. WHAT?! She's BLEEDING and OBVIOUSLY needs help! It's not like she has rabies! So they sent me half an hour away to the nearest state university since they have a wildlife rescue program. Had to stop and get gas before I could make THAT drive. Did I mention I was doing all of this with an injured duck in one arm?
I finally get there and say goodbye to her hoping that since she's still awake and trying to move around that nothing vital was damaged and she would be fine. They called me a couple of hours later to tell me she had a lot of muscle damage and they'd thought it best to put her down. If I'd only known that I would have stayed with her! She seemed to trust that I was trying to help her once I had her all bundled up and she realized I wasn't trying to hurt her. I shouldn't have left her alone.
Does this mean my heart is too big? Should I care a little less about these smaller creatures? I just can't accept that. I think there's a reason they find me. I'm not a better person than anyone else. I don't think loving these animals makes me special. I just do what needs to be done and trust things will work out for the best. I'm starting to wonder if there's some reason behind all of these. Is there something I'm missing? Something more I need to do? Am I really just finally starting to lose it? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised to see a lion with a thorn in his paw sitting on my front step some morning. I wonder what's next?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I am the Duck
It's taken me quite some time, but I think I've finally realized that certain things never change. I used to think that the kids in my elementary classes were mean. Then I went to junior high. I thought the backstabbing was bad there until I got to high school. I believed high school was cruel until I met the rest of the world. Do people really have nothing better to do than make trouble for someone else? Why can't we all just get along? (Sorry. Couldn't help myself.)
I am the duck. They are the drops of water that roll off my back. Breathe.
Yes, I'm venting once again. It just bothers me that so many people have unkind natures and when I actually manage to find a kindred spirit here and there, someone always has to try and spoil it. Seriously, people. I'm not your average spirit so finding a kindred one is RARE. I have enough issues to manage without you trying to steal my sunshine. Speaking of which... is that thunder I hear? Great. One more reason for my dear husband to get out of mowing the jungle that is our lawn again. I shouldn't complain. I could do it myself if I wasn't scared of the lawnmower.
I think I'm going to call the new cat Moe. I just feel like I should pick SOMETHING besides "new cat" since he's been here for almost three weeks. He has definitely gotten over his shyness. Jeepers! He's ALWAYS on me! I mean, I'm sure he's grateful to have a home and all, but honestly. It's okay to give me a bit of personal space now and then. I promise I won't forget you love me if you leave me alone for five minutes. The same goes for you, my sweet, sweet children. When I lock the bathroom door, it isn't because I don't love you and it isn't an invitation to bang on it for the next twenty minutes while I try to take the one shower a week you seem grudgingly willing to give me. I just like a few minutes to myself once in awhile. I am not hiding a secret chocolate stash. That would be impossible since you can sniff out sugar from distances that would impress a bloodhound. The only substance I may lock myself away to consume on occasion is one you are not old enough to partake of anyway.
I don't know where I was going with this post. My mind is still recovering from the weekend of work. I spent too much energy on enthusiasm and exercising my wit. We don't get out much, you see. I need to do more blogging this week so I do less talking this weekend. I want to pretend I fit in a bit more believably. I'm glad this is a weekend job because I really need the time to be me in between the trying to be normal.
It's taken me quite some time, but I think I've finally realized that certain things never change. I used to think that the kids in my elementary classes were mean. Then I went to junior high. I thought the backstabbing was bad there until I got to high school. I believed high school was cruel until I met the rest of the world. Do people really have nothing better to do than make trouble for someone else? Why can't we all just get along? (Sorry. Couldn't help myself.)
I am the duck. They are the drops of water that roll off my back. Breathe.
Yes, I'm venting once again. It just bothers me that so many people have unkind natures and when I actually manage to find a kindred spirit here and there, someone always has to try and spoil it. Seriously, people. I'm not your average spirit so finding a kindred one is RARE. I have enough issues to manage without you trying to steal my sunshine. Speaking of which... is that thunder I hear? Great. One more reason for my dear husband to get out of mowing the jungle that is our lawn again. I shouldn't complain. I could do it myself if I wasn't scared of the lawnmower.
I think I'm going to call the new cat Moe. I just feel like I should pick SOMETHING besides "new cat" since he's been here for almost three weeks. He has definitely gotten over his shyness. Jeepers! He's ALWAYS on me! I mean, I'm sure he's grateful to have a home and all, but honestly. It's okay to give me a bit of personal space now and then. I promise I won't forget you love me if you leave me alone for five minutes. The same goes for you, my sweet, sweet children. When I lock the bathroom door, it isn't because I don't love you and it isn't an invitation to bang on it for the next twenty minutes while I try to take the one shower a week you seem grudgingly willing to give me. I just like a few minutes to myself once in awhile. I am not hiding a secret chocolate stash. That would be impossible since you can sniff out sugar from distances that would impress a bloodhound. The only substance I may lock myself away to consume on occasion is one you are not old enough to partake of anyway.
I don't know where I was going with this post. My mind is still recovering from the weekend of work. I spent too much energy on enthusiasm and exercising my wit. We don't get out much, you see. I need to do more blogging this week so I do less talking this weekend. I want to pretend I fit in a bit more believably. I'm glad this is a weekend job because I really need the time to be me in between the trying to be normal.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
On the Road
I'm writing from a hotel in Burlington. I'm going to be working on the set of a film called "Splatter". All I know at this point is that it's about love, honor, and paintball. I am reserving judgement until I've spent at least ONE day on set. I had to leave the kids at home and I'm missing them already. I've never spent more than two nights away from them. Not to mention Sunday is Mothers' Day. I just hope they're still awake by the time I get home that day. We need this money and it's a good experience for me. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Today is also my brother Will's birthday. He's fortunate enough to be on a Bahamas cruise. I can't help but be jealous since his honeymoon to Jamaica was less than nine months ago. Especially since I've yet to have one. No. I'm not bitter. Why do you ask?
I hope he and Betsy are having fun. I wish I could go somewhere new and exciting that required a passport and isn't Mexico. Don't want to die of the pig flu or anything.
I'm sitting here watching "Son In-law" with Pauly Shore. I haven't seen it in years. It's still funny, but now I can see why my parents thought is was annoying. Pauly is such a dork. His version of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" is priceless.
I'm going to try to get some sleep before I have to get up at some evil hour of the morning. I hear there's a masseuse in the tent next to our crafts tent so maybe it won't be ALL bad...
I'm writing from a hotel in Burlington. I'm going to be working on the set of a film called "Splatter". All I know at this point is that it's about love, honor, and paintball. I am reserving judgement until I've spent at least ONE day on set. I had to leave the kids at home and I'm missing them already. I've never spent more than two nights away from them. Not to mention Sunday is Mothers' Day. I just hope they're still awake by the time I get home that day. We need this money and it's a good experience for me. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Today is also my brother Will's birthday. He's fortunate enough to be on a Bahamas cruise. I can't help but be jealous since his honeymoon to Jamaica was less than nine months ago. Especially since I've yet to have one. No. I'm not bitter. Why do you ask?
I hope he and Betsy are having fun. I wish I could go somewhere new and exciting that required a passport and isn't Mexico. Don't want to die of the pig flu or anything.
I'm sitting here watching "Son In-law" with Pauly Shore. I haven't seen it in years. It's still funny, but now I can see why my parents thought is was annoying. Pauly is such a dork. His version of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" is priceless.
I'm going to try to get some sleep before I have to get up at some evil hour of the morning. I hear there's a masseuse in the tent next to our crafts tent so maybe it won't be ALL bad...
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Be Afraid. Be VERY Afraid!
New Cat seems to have found a home with us. Now that we've paid $250 to have him all taken care of by our vet it seems only logical to keep him. That, and he seems to have done some real sucking up to the one person he really needed to. Heath. We found out the poor guy (yes, the vet confirmed my suspicions on his gender) has a heart murmur. That could be part of the reason he's so emaciated. Now that he's in a stable home (or at least a permanent one), we'll have to watch his weight closely and make sure he starts gaining. Our other cats don't seem to have a problem with weight gain. Although, I KNOW they're none too happy about sharing their food with the usurper.
We still haven't decided on a name for him yet. I just can't seem to find one that really fits. It's like I know it already, but it's locked away in the back of my mind. I don't want to give him the wrong one. I wouldn't want to offend him. I'm pretty sure he's already a bit cross with me over the shaving I allowed the vet to do. At least, he is if the look on his face says anything.
You can almost hear the evil retribution he's plotting. Then again, maybe he's just miffed about the camera. I can't really blame him there. If someone re-styled me into an eighties-hairband-lead-singer-type look, I'd be rather contrary myself. It wasn't as if I had much choice. His fur was so badly matted he wasn't even trying to clean himself anymore. At least I've managed to resist buying a couple cans of that neon hairspray and tying a sparkly silk scarf around his neck. As soon as he weighs more than a bag of Cheetos, he'd smother me for sure!
Seriously though. He's settling in here in spite of the kids and Charlie and Lola. Lola is warming up a bit faster than Charlie. New Cat, bless his murmuring heart, just tries to ignore them and find a quiet spot to relax. I think, deep down, he's happy to have found a home with people who will take care of him. He certainly wandered into the right yard!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Earth Day, Yay!
We've had a rather busy week here at the Hyder house. Maybe not so much "busy" as just "active". We've been enjoying the warmer weather by spending time outside. Of course, I had to be sparing with my time in the direct sunlight as I am still peeling skin off from my last day in the sun. (I still think it's WRONG that you can be cold and get a sunburn at the same time.) Abby likes to help me with the peeling. I know it's gross, but I can't stop peeling it off and it DOES go faster with two people. Except she pinches. Gentleness has never really been her forte.
We went to the home improvement store on Earth Day (Wednesday for you eco-challenged types) and bought stuff to fence in our little patch of garden. (Part of me thinks it's cruel to taunt the rabbits with yummy food they can't have, but I am NOT putting all that work into a garden just to give them a lovingly tended salad bar.) I also picked up a few more seeds, a blackberry bush, and a rose bush. We came home and planted the rose bush and three of our ten baby trees from the Arbor Day Foundation. (Yay for free trees!) The kids and I even made Earth Day cookies. My own secret recipe. They were delicious. The kids had fun sharing them and telling people "Happy Earth Day". I love teaching them to take care of our planet. They're learning to have respect for the Earth and everything in/on it. Well, at least the plants and animals part. I'm still working on the people part, myself.
Today, we had some friends over. The kids had a ball playing/fighting with each other while Amber and I talked. I swear, it seems like our visits only last half an hour, but the clock says otherwise. There just are not enough hours in the day. Amber and I went to high school together. We were both in Show Choir and Chamber Singers. We reconnected through Facebook, which has become my new obsession. I can't remember who really got me started on this (Heidi, maybe?), but I'll bet Heath wouldn't thank them for it! I'm sure the sparkle will wear off of it soon and I'll settle down and spend less time on there, but I can't help myself right now. Too many games and I'm making friends all over the globe! The US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the UK. I can actually come out of my hermit hole and be social as long as I have a computer to hide behind. It probably sounds dumb, but I really think Facebook is doing more for my depression than the meds are.
Heath borrowed the tiller from my grandparents today so we could till the garden. Thing is, he actually had to work for once so he didn't get home until around seven. By that point, the clouds were rolling in the the rain was starting to sputter from their swollen bellies. We had to get it done before it rained, though, so he went straight out there in his work clothes and tilled it up. One of our neighbors (and his cat) was peering at us out his back window waiting to see if we'd get struck by the lightning that was growing ever more angry overhead. We made it safe and sound. Barely. The tiller ran out of gas three feet from being done and Heath had to refuel. Of course.
We also found a cat on Earth Day. He (at least I'm calling it "he" until the vet tells me otherwise) just wandered into our yard all fur and bones. He was all lovey and we gave him some food and water. He's black and white with long hair, but it's so matted I don't know how he can move without pulling his fur constantly. He's also front de-clawed so he shouldn't be out on his own. I'm a sucker so I brought him inside. Charlie and Lola are still livid about sharing their food, but they'd better get over it. This poor cat will be nothing but bones when his mats are removed. I've been trying to get some of them myself, but I don't want to stress him out too much. I just cut a few at a time until he tells me he's had enough by growling in protest. He growls at a lot, but that's all he does. He never actually makes a move beyond threatening. I made an appointment with our vet on Monday. Hopefully, they can help with the matted fur and make sure he's healthy other than being emaciated. He's going to be a beautiful cat once we love him up some.
We've had a rather busy week here at the Hyder house. Maybe not so much "busy" as just "active". We've been enjoying the warmer weather by spending time outside. Of course, I had to be sparing with my time in the direct sunlight as I am still peeling skin off from my last day in the sun. (I still think it's WRONG that you can be cold and get a sunburn at the same time.) Abby likes to help me with the peeling. I know it's gross, but I can't stop peeling it off and it DOES go faster with two people. Except she pinches. Gentleness has never really been her forte.
We went to the home improvement store on Earth Day (Wednesday for you eco-challenged types) and bought stuff to fence in our little patch of garden. (Part of me thinks it's cruel to taunt the rabbits with yummy food they can't have, but I am NOT putting all that work into a garden just to give them a lovingly tended salad bar.) I also picked up a few more seeds, a blackberry bush, and a rose bush. We came home and planted the rose bush and three of our ten baby trees from the Arbor Day Foundation. (Yay for free trees!) The kids and I even made Earth Day cookies. My own secret recipe. They were delicious. The kids had fun sharing them and telling people "Happy Earth Day". I love teaching them to take care of our planet. They're learning to have respect for the Earth and everything in/on it. Well, at least the plants and animals part. I'm still working on the people part, myself.
Today, we had some friends over. The kids had a ball playing/fighting with each other while Amber and I talked. I swear, it seems like our visits only last half an hour, but the clock says otherwise. There just are not enough hours in the day. Amber and I went to high school together. We were both in Show Choir and Chamber Singers. We reconnected through Facebook, which has become my new obsession. I can't remember who really got me started on this (Heidi, maybe?), but I'll bet Heath wouldn't thank them for it! I'm sure the sparkle will wear off of it soon and I'll settle down and spend less time on there, but I can't help myself right now. Too many games and I'm making friends all over the globe! The US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the UK. I can actually come out of my hermit hole and be social as long as I have a computer to hide behind. It probably sounds dumb, but I really think Facebook is doing more for my depression than the meds are.Heath borrowed the tiller from my grandparents today so we could till the garden. Thing is, he actually had to work for once so he didn't get home until around seven. By that point, the clouds were rolling in the the rain was starting to sputter from their swollen bellies. We had to get it done before it rained, though, so he went straight out there in his work clothes and tilled it up. One of our neighbors (and his cat) was peering at us out his back window waiting to see if we'd get struck by the lightning that was growing ever more angry overhead. We made it safe and sound. Barely. The tiller ran out of gas three feet from being done and Heath had to refuel. Of course.
We also found a cat on Earth Day. He (at least I'm calling it "he" until the vet tells me otherwise) just wandered into our yard all fur and bones. He was all lovey and we gave him some food and water. He's black and white with long hair, but it's so matted I don't know how he can move without pulling his fur constantly. He's also front de-clawed so he shouldn't be out on his own. I'm a sucker so I brought him inside. Charlie and Lola are still livid about sharing their food, but they'd better get over it. This poor cat will be nothing but bones when his mats are removed. I've been trying to get some of them myself, but I don't want to stress him out too much. I just cut a few at a time until he tells me he's had enough by growling in protest. He growls at a lot, but that's all he does. He never actually makes a move beyond threatening. I made an appointment with our vet on Monday. Hopefully, they can help with the matted fur and make sure he's healthy other than being emaciated. He's going to be a beautiful cat once we love him up some.
I'd better get to bed. I need to get up bright and early in the morning to go give blood at the church. I hope they don't care if I fall asleep while they take it. Did I mention we're walking in the March of Dimes March for Babies this year? Well, more on that later. I've GOT to get some sleep!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
100 Posts
Am I really only on my hundredth post? Seems like I should have gotten here long ago. I wish I could think of something truly memorable to share, or something that's at least mildly entertaining. Alas, such is the mundane life I lead. No base jumping or tightrope walking for me. I HAVE been venturing out of my social shell a bit more, though. I've actually started using Facebook to keep in touch with people. Granted, it's not exactly brave to sit at the computer, but it's a step, okay? I'm trying not to end up like Salinger.
I've been getting back into reading some of my favorite classic authors lately. I bought a new copy of George MacDonald's "Phantastes" and a collection of C.S. Lewis's. I ended up giving the latter to my grandfather for his eighty-fourth birthday last week. He published a book of his own a couple of years ago and it meant a lot to me. He'd been working on it for years and I know it was important to him to share it with the family. He and I got to talking about books and he told me he'd never read Lewis and I couldn't believe it! In some ways, Lewis reminds me of my grandfather. They both have/had such a profound and deep relationship with God. They are both what I consider to be gentlemen. They both shared their souls with the world. Two great men. You see why I had to introduce them. I hope they get on as well as I imagine they will.
Reading these stories I love so much makes me wish I could write them. I don't believe the world has given us anyone who could hold a candle to authors like MacDonald, Lewis, and Tolkien. The one exception I would make, is for James Oliver Rigney Jr., better known as Robert Jordan. What I wouldn't give to spend an evening in the company of these late, great writers. They were the true masters of fantasy. Their books changed my life in ways no other author has. They made me BELIEVE. I find it shocking that MacDonald has not been given his due these days. Movies have been made of Tolkien and Lewis's works, but they, themselves, were inspired by MacDonald. Few stories even come CLOSE to the wonder of "Phantastes" and "Lilith". I haven't even read all of his works. They're not exactly easy to come by. Easier in this age of internet shopping, but still not that common. The thought of such tales being forgotten is horrible.
I could go on about books forever, I suppose. Not surprising for one who dreams of having her very own library someday. Not a public one in it's own building really. I'd likely be happy with a rather large room in my house full of shelves of books. Dark wood, a stone fireplace (although fire around the books makes me kind of nervous so I'm not settled on this), over-sized chairs, and one of those rolling ladders to reach the higher books. A couple of really big windows with a window seat would be nice, too, but with heavy drapes to keep the sun from bleaching the spines of the books.
As long as I'm dreaming, I want it inside of my own English manor complete with moor, garden, and staff.
And I want a pony, too.
So there you have it. One hundred posts and still going. Exciting, isn't it?
Am I really only on my hundredth post? Seems like I should have gotten here long ago. I wish I could think of something truly memorable to share, or something that's at least mildly entertaining. Alas, such is the mundane life I lead. No base jumping or tightrope walking for me. I HAVE been venturing out of my social shell a bit more, though. I've actually started using Facebook to keep in touch with people. Granted, it's not exactly brave to sit at the computer, but it's a step, okay? I'm trying not to end up like Salinger.
I've been getting back into reading some of my favorite classic authors lately. I bought a new copy of George MacDonald's "Phantastes" and a collection of C.S. Lewis's. I ended up giving the latter to my grandfather for his eighty-fourth birthday last week. He published a book of his own a couple of years ago and it meant a lot to me. He'd been working on it for years and I know it was important to him to share it with the family. He and I got to talking about books and he told me he'd never read Lewis and I couldn't believe it! In some ways, Lewis reminds me of my grandfather. They both have/had such a profound and deep relationship with God. They are both what I consider to be gentlemen. They both shared their souls with the world. Two great men. You see why I had to introduce them. I hope they get on as well as I imagine they will.
Reading these stories I love so much makes me wish I could write them. I don't believe the world has given us anyone who could hold a candle to authors like MacDonald, Lewis, and Tolkien. The one exception I would make, is for James Oliver Rigney Jr., better known as Robert Jordan. What I wouldn't give to spend an evening in the company of these late, great writers. They were the true masters of fantasy. Their books changed my life in ways no other author has. They made me BELIEVE. I find it shocking that MacDonald has not been given his due these days. Movies have been made of Tolkien and Lewis's works, but they, themselves, were inspired by MacDonald. Few stories even come CLOSE to the wonder of "Phantastes" and "Lilith". I haven't even read all of his works. They're not exactly easy to come by. Easier in this age of internet shopping, but still not that common. The thought of such tales being forgotten is horrible.
I could go on about books forever, I suppose. Not surprising for one who dreams of having her very own library someday. Not a public one in it's own building really. I'd likely be happy with a rather large room in my house full of shelves of books. Dark wood, a stone fireplace (although fire around the books makes me kind of nervous so I'm not settled on this), over-sized chairs, and one of those rolling ladders to reach the higher books. A couple of really big windows with a window seat would be nice, too, but with heavy drapes to keep the sun from bleaching the spines of the books.
As long as I'm dreaming, I want it inside of my own English manor complete with moor, garden, and staff.
And I want a pony, too.
So there you have it. One hundred posts and still going. Exciting, isn't it?
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Submarine Shopping
If you happened to see my status on Facebook tonight, you might have thought I was being sarcastic. Especially if you also happened to notice that my results from the sarcasm quiz stated that I was abnormally sarcastic. (I didn't realize you could be normally sarcastic, but yay for being off the charts again!) I said that I was shopping for a yellow submarine. That's actually true. Perrin has fallen in love with that song. (Yes, I am raising two more Beatles fans) We were at the library a couple of months ago and, lo and behold, I stumbled across the book "Yellow Submarine"! Perrin was as excited as I was. He had to show it to EVERYONE in the library and tell them "Yellow Submarine" is his favorite song. (I though we'd never get to the checkout desk!) Needless to say, that book has been at our house almost constantly ever since.
So, tonight I decided I'd better look into getting our own copy. You know, in case someone else wants to borrow the library's copy. I found it on Amazon, but then got to looking around and found the DVD. I compared prices and bought one off of Ebay. I can't wait to see Perrin's face! It's a good thing I love the Beatles so much, because I'll probably be hearing that DVD nonstop for awhile! (Did I mention I'm wearing my Beatles t-shirt right this very minute?) I also found a kid-sized shirt with the yellow submarine on it, but I have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to my spending. If Perrin is still into this at Christmastime, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
While window (Get it? Window(s)) shopping (Sorry. That WAS really bad) on Amazon, I looked up the HD DVD collection of the BBC series "Planet Earth". I want this. I know, I'm such a dork, but seriously. Have you seen this show? It's AMAZING. It's the first thing I've actually been dying to watch in HD. The people who shot the footage for that show are beyond talented. And BRAVE! Yeah, sorry, but I'm not swimming with piranha no matter HOW much scuba gear you give me. Well, maybe it you pulled all their devilish little teeth out first. But then, there goes the whole "no animals were harmed" bit.
Right. Got distracted there for a minute. Scary visions of demonic little fishes swimming up the shower drain. *shiver* It must be bedtime. I think I'll go read some Wodehouse to wipe the creepies out of my brain before I go to sleep. I'll let you know how the DVD turns out.
If you happened to see my status on Facebook tonight, you might have thought I was being sarcastic. Especially if you also happened to notice that my results from the sarcasm quiz stated that I was abnormally sarcastic. (I didn't realize you could be normally sarcastic, but yay for being off the charts again!) I said that I was shopping for a yellow submarine. That's actually true. Perrin has fallen in love with that song. (Yes, I am raising two more Beatles fans) We were at the library a couple of months ago and, lo and behold, I stumbled across the book "Yellow Submarine"! Perrin was as excited as I was. He had to show it to EVERYONE in the library and tell them "Yellow Submarine" is his favorite song. (I though we'd never get to the checkout desk!) Needless to say, that book has been at our house almost constantly ever since.
So, tonight I decided I'd better look into getting our own copy. You know, in case someone else wants to borrow the library's copy. I found it on Amazon, but then got to looking around and found the DVD. I compared prices and bought one off of Ebay. I can't wait to see Perrin's face! It's a good thing I love the Beatles so much, because I'll probably be hearing that DVD nonstop for awhile! (Did I mention I'm wearing my Beatles t-shirt right this very minute?) I also found a kid-sized shirt with the yellow submarine on it, but I have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to my spending. If Perrin is still into this at Christmastime, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
While window (Get it? Window(s)) shopping (Sorry. That WAS really bad) on Amazon, I looked up the HD DVD collection of the BBC series "Planet Earth". I want this. I know, I'm such a dork, but seriously. Have you seen this show? It's AMAZING. It's the first thing I've actually been dying to watch in HD. The people who shot the footage for that show are beyond talented. And BRAVE! Yeah, sorry, but I'm not swimming with piranha no matter HOW much scuba gear you give me. Well, maybe it you pulled all their devilish little teeth out first. But then, there goes the whole "no animals were harmed" bit.
Right. Got distracted there for a minute. Scary visions of demonic little fishes swimming up the shower drain. *shiver* It must be bedtime. I think I'll go read some Wodehouse to wipe the creepies out of my brain before I go to sleep. I'll let you know how the DVD turns out.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Help Mii!
Charlie has confiscated the Wii Fit! I guess all that teasing him about his ever-lower-hanging paunch finally got to him.
"How do you turn this thing on?"
"There we go. I think I'll start with "Aerobics" today. I'm already pretty decent at the whole "Balance" thing."
"Hey! What are YOU looking at? Can't a cat get some privacy around here? I suppose you think this is funny. Just remember, I could smother you in your sleep with this gut."
I wonder if I'll ever get to use it again?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happy St. What?
You'll have to forgive me if my writing lacks something this evening. I've had next to no sleep in the last three days. Perrin has been sick. Not pukey sick, thank goodness! He's had a cold for a couple of weeks, but in the last three or four days it has gotten progressively worse. He' so congested he can hardly breathe and he has this horrible cough that makes me wince every time I hear it. He coughs and cries ALL NIGHT LONG. One or two nights of this I'm used to, but three is not normal. Desperate for sleep ( for him AND for me ), I called the pediatrician's office today. For once, I got in right away. Turns out, Perrin has a pretty nasty ear infection in his right ear. I'm sorry, doctor, but WHAT did you say? An ear infection? Wow. I wasn't expecting that. Neither one of my kids has ever one before so I had no idea what to look for. The really weird part is, Perrin never complained his ear hurt or even pulled at it or anything. Even the doctor was surprised. He's a tough guy after all. So what if his favorite color is purple?
As for the holiday, no green beer or beads (since when did beads become a part of St. Patrick's Day anyway?) or blarney stones here. Although, seeing as I'm looking at at least a couple more nights of sick Perrin before the antibiotic kicks in, perhaps some green malt-beverage might be in order tonight. There will always be a shamrock in my heart for my Irish blood. And my two little leprechauns never stop making mischief.
You'll have to forgive me if my writing lacks something this evening. I've had next to no sleep in the last three days. Perrin has been sick. Not pukey sick, thank goodness! He's had a cold for a couple of weeks, but in the last three or four days it has gotten progressively worse. He' so congested he can hardly breathe and he has this horrible cough that makes me wince every time I hear it. He coughs and cries ALL NIGHT LONG. One or two nights of this I'm used to, but three is not normal. Desperate for sleep ( for him AND for me ), I called the pediatrician's office today. For once, I got in right away. Turns out, Perrin has a pretty nasty ear infection in his right ear. I'm sorry, doctor, but WHAT did you say? An ear infection? Wow. I wasn't expecting that. Neither one of my kids has ever one before so I had no idea what to look for. The really weird part is, Perrin never complained his ear hurt or even pulled at it or anything. Even the doctor was surprised. He's a tough guy after all. So what if his favorite color is purple?
As for the holiday, no green beer or beads (since when did beads become a part of St. Patrick's Day anyway?) or blarney stones here. Although, seeing as I'm looking at at least a couple more nights of sick Perrin before the antibiotic kicks in, perhaps some green malt-beverage might be in order tonight. There will always be a shamrock in my heart for my Irish blood. And my two little leprechauns never stop making mischief.
May the sound of happy music,
and the lilt of Irish laughter,
Fill your heart with gladness,
that stays forever after.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Where's the Sun?
I almost missed posting this month, didn't I? I can't really blame it on being too busy. I've just been fighting off the winter blues. I start getting really desperate for Spring around this time each year. Those occasional warm days in between the piles of snow dumped from the sky just aren't enough anymore. I need more fresh air and sunshine. I'm ready to thaw out. Now if only the weather would cooperate.
Perrin turned three this month. It was fun for him, and a little sad for me. My "baby" isn't a baby anymore. He's still small and totally adorable, but he's growing so fast. So is Abby. She's going to be five in just a couple of days! How is that possible? She will be starting school this year. I've pretty much set my mind on home school, but I'm not sure Heath is convinced. I just believe the kids will get so much more out of home school and I like the fact that I will be in control of the curriculum. We could go on field trips as often as we liked. We could do more hands-on activities. The best part, I think, is that I can tailor programs to fit each of the kids' needs individually. I probably sound biased, but I think Abby is too intelligent to be stuck in public school. She deserves limitless possibilities. I believe home school can provide them.
I also became an aunt this month. (Yes, yes...Auntie Em) Heath's brother Chad; or more accurately, Chad's wife, Alicia; had a baby girl on the 11th. Her name is EmmaLee. No. Before you ask, she's not named after me. At least, not to my knowledge. I must applaud them for choosing a more unique spelling of such a popular name. I would love for us to be able to go down and see her in person, but I don't see that in the budget this year. Her picture shows she's adorable, of course.
On the down side, all of this has set a spark to the "let's-have-another-baby" fire. At least for me. I feel the smoke starting to curl up from the kindling and I keep trying to ignore it and hope it goes away. I would love to have another baby, but not the way the economy is right now. Heath is barely working and I don't know when things will pick up. Plus, dealing with a newborn during my first year of home school? And of course, I wouldn't be able to change the litter box while I was pregnant. (Wait, that should be on the "pros" list, shouldn't it...) Then there's the fact that Perrin still needs potty-trained. I can't understand why he WANTS to stay in diapers.
Anyway. That's where I'm at right now. I'm just trying to survive until Spring. I hope it comes soon.
I almost missed posting this month, didn't I? I can't really blame it on being too busy. I've just been fighting off the winter blues. I start getting really desperate for Spring around this time each year. Those occasional warm days in between the piles of snow dumped from the sky just aren't enough anymore. I need more fresh air and sunshine. I'm ready to thaw out. Now if only the weather would cooperate.
Perrin turned three this month. It was fun for him, and a little sad for me. My "baby" isn't a baby anymore. He's still small and totally adorable, but he's growing so fast. So is Abby. She's going to be five in just a couple of days! How is that possible? She will be starting school this year. I've pretty much set my mind on home school, but I'm not sure Heath is convinced. I just believe the kids will get so much more out of home school and I like the fact that I will be in control of the curriculum. We could go on field trips as often as we liked. We could do more hands-on activities. The best part, I think, is that I can tailor programs to fit each of the kids' needs individually. I probably sound biased, but I think Abby is too intelligent to be stuck in public school. She deserves limitless possibilities. I believe home school can provide them.
I also became an aunt this month. (Yes, yes...Auntie Em) Heath's brother Chad; or more accurately, Chad's wife, Alicia; had a baby girl on the 11th. Her name is EmmaLee. No. Before you ask, she's not named after me. At least, not to my knowledge. I must applaud them for choosing a more unique spelling of such a popular name. I would love for us to be able to go down and see her in person, but I don't see that in the budget this year. Her picture shows she's adorable, of course.
On the down side, all of this has set a spark to the "let's-have-another-baby" fire. At least for me. I feel the smoke starting to curl up from the kindling and I keep trying to ignore it and hope it goes away. I would love to have another baby, but not the way the economy is right now. Heath is barely working and I don't know when things will pick up. Plus, dealing with a newborn during my first year of home school? And of course, I wouldn't be able to change the litter box while I was pregnant. (Wait, that should be on the "pros" list, shouldn't it...) Then there's the fact that Perrin still needs potty-trained. I can't understand why he WANTS to stay in diapers.
Anyway. That's where I'm at right now. I'm just trying to survive until Spring. I hope it comes soon.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Snow Day
I am not shy about my hatred of snow. While I'm willing to admit that freshly fallen snow under the light of a full moon has a sort of celestial beauty, it's far too cold. After about thirty seconds outside in the snow, I can no longer feel my hands and feet. And, yes, that is WITH gloves and boots on. I do my best to bundle up when I must journey forth into winter's fury. Years of riding the school bus with frozen appendages taught me that much.
So. Knowing how I feel about snow, it should impress you to know that I actually went outside with the kids to make snowmen a few days ago. Heath joined us and, of course, his snowman was over twice the size of mine. Brute strength may give him the advantage in the SIZE of his snowmen, but I have the advantage when it comes to the shape of them. MY snowperson was actually a snow PRINCESS (for Abby) with a tiara and floor-length gown. Although, I had to make one little snowman whose head was rolling down the hill in front of him in the tradition of "Calvin & Hobbes". I wonder what the neighbors thought of THAT one!
I built one sitting on top of the mailbox, too, but Heath assasinated him when he got the mail. Poor thing. Never even got the chance to melt.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Another New Year
Heath suggested we make resolutions this year. I declined to participate as I don't feel I need anymore expectations to live up to. Especially not in my own mind! Living with depression is enough of a challenge, but parenting with depression? Yeah. My plate is full enough already, thanks. No need for resolutions. I'm just trying to get past the point where I'm merely surviving each day by itself. Everyone in this house deserves better than that.
Peaceful sleep still eludes me. I'm trying to avoid taking sleeping meds, but what else can you do when it's 3am and your mind is going like a cracked out hamster in a wheel? The doctors tell you to get out of bed and sit quietly in a dark room until you're tired. I'm convinced I'd become completely nocturnal if I tried that approach. That may work for owls, but that's because their offspring are nocturnal, too. Mine are not. I still don't understand how Perrin is a morning person when Heath and I are not. If he wasn't so stinking adorable it would be really annoying.
Abby has decided she wants to learn "Kung Food". Is that a new kind of Asian cuisine or self-defense for entrees? She doesn't get words wrong very often anymore. When she does, one clarification is all it takes. I'm probably biased, but I think she's exceptional for her age. She has always amazed me with how fast she learns. I mean, how many children know the color "chartreuse" at the age of two? I don't mean two-almost-three, I mean just BARELY two. If only she hadn't had to suck my brain out to grow her own...
Perrin continues to fight me on the potty-training issue. He seems determined to stay in diapers for some reason. Abby was ready by this age, but I shouldn't expect Perrin to be, I suppose. I know he'll get there eventually, but it would be SO nice to not have to change anymore diapers! If he's not ready by summer, I'm going to have to really motivate him somehow.
So far, 2009 is going well. Money is still tight, but I've admitted to my spending problem and realized I need to cut back. Thank goodness it's almost tax time! We should get a really nice refund this year since we bought the house. I hope so. Heath and I have talked about taking a "honeymoon" to Vegas for a weekend since we never had a real one. Of course, I'd prefer England or maybe someplace tropical, but Vegas would be fun, too. Besides, Vegas is alot more affordable as long as I can keep Heath from spending too much in the casinos! My international adventures will just have to wait until we win the lottery. Maybe someday...
Heath suggested we make resolutions this year. I declined to participate as I don't feel I need anymore expectations to live up to. Especially not in my own mind! Living with depression is enough of a challenge, but parenting with depression? Yeah. My plate is full enough already, thanks. No need for resolutions. I'm just trying to get past the point where I'm merely surviving each day by itself. Everyone in this house deserves better than that.
Peaceful sleep still eludes me. I'm trying to avoid taking sleeping meds, but what else can you do when it's 3am and your mind is going like a cracked out hamster in a wheel? The doctors tell you to get out of bed and sit quietly in a dark room until you're tired. I'm convinced I'd become completely nocturnal if I tried that approach. That may work for owls, but that's because their offspring are nocturnal, too. Mine are not. I still don't understand how Perrin is a morning person when Heath and I are not. If he wasn't so stinking adorable it would be really annoying.
Abby has decided she wants to learn "Kung Food". Is that a new kind of Asian cuisine or self-defense for entrees? She doesn't get words wrong very often anymore. When she does, one clarification is all it takes. I'm probably biased, but I think she's exceptional for her age. She has always amazed me with how fast she learns. I mean, how many children know the color "chartreuse" at the age of two? I don't mean two-almost-three, I mean just BARELY two. If only she hadn't had to suck my brain out to grow her own...
Perrin continues to fight me on the potty-training issue. He seems determined to stay in diapers for some reason. Abby was ready by this age, but I shouldn't expect Perrin to be, I suppose. I know he'll get there eventually, but it would be SO nice to not have to change anymore diapers! If he's not ready by summer, I'm going to have to really motivate him somehow.
So far, 2009 is going well. Money is still tight, but I've admitted to my spending problem and realized I need to cut back. Thank goodness it's almost tax time! We should get a really nice refund this year since we bought the house. I hope so. Heath and I have talked about taking a "honeymoon" to Vegas for a weekend since we never had a real one. Of course, I'd prefer England or maybe someplace tropical, but Vegas would be fun, too. Besides, Vegas is alot more affordable as long as I can keep Heath from spending too much in the casinos! My international adventures will just have to wait until we win the lottery. Maybe someday...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Privacy
I seem to have been a little lax in my privacy settings. I suppose it was naive of me to think all of the people I wanted to avoid from my past wanted to avoid me, too. Especially my ex-boyfriends. I mean, seriously. If I WANTED to have anything to do with you, I'd have let you know by now. Considering I've been married for nearly four years I think I've had ample time to make that contact. Silly me. Thinking silence spoke for itself.
So, now I've had to modify some things to keep unwanted "guests" out. How irritating. Having to invite people to read this. Having to change all of the privacy settings on every semi-public profile I own. Feeling all creeped out by the fact that people I try my hardest to forget can't seem to let go of the past. Ugh. Get lost already!
Ugliness aside, Christmas was great. Perrin loved his John Deere pedal tractor, of course. Abby is having fun with her new dollhouse. Those were their "big" gifts. They've been enjoying all the "little" ones, as well. I'm surprised they lasted as long as they did on Christmas Day since we had to get them up at six in the morning. We had to be at my mom's by eight so Will and Betsy could get on the road to her parents' house. I can't really complain, because I know it wasn't an easy for them, either. Of course, keeping us up drinking on Christmas Eve didn't exactly help. (Just kidding guys!)
Heath finally got to open the new television. He's been waiting for an entire month to do that and I know it hasn't been easy. Now he can enjoy football on 42 inches of lovely plasma and actually SEE the score. It's nice to see him enjoying something instead of just working. I'm sure it was nice for him to have a few days off. I have to admit, even I enjoyed having him around more. Maybe I don't need to be crabby all the time, after all...
I seem to have been a little lax in my privacy settings. I suppose it was naive of me to think all of the people I wanted to avoid from my past wanted to avoid me, too. Especially my ex-boyfriends. I mean, seriously. If I WANTED to have anything to do with you, I'd have let you know by now. Considering I've been married for nearly four years I think I've had ample time to make that contact. Silly me. Thinking silence spoke for itself.
So, now I've had to modify some things to keep unwanted "guests" out. How irritating. Having to invite people to read this. Having to change all of the privacy settings on every semi-public profile I own. Feeling all creeped out by the fact that people I try my hardest to forget can't seem to let go of the past. Ugh. Get lost already!
Ugliness aside, Christmas was great. Perrin loved his John Deere pedal tractor, of course. Abby is having fun with her new dollhouse. Those were their "big" gifts. They've been enjoying all the "little" ones, as well. I'm surprised they lasted as long as they did on Christmas Day since we had to get them up at six in the morning. We had to be at my mom's by eight so Will and Betsy could get on the road to her parents' house. I can't really complain, because I know it wasn't an easy for them, either. Of course, keeping us up drinking on Christmas Eve didn't exactly help. (Just kidding guys!)
Heath finally got to open the new television. He's been waiting for an entire month to do that and I know it hasn't been easy. Now he can enjoy football on 42 inches of lovely plasma and actually SEE the score. It's nice to see him enjoying something instead of just working. I'm sure it was nice for him to have a few days off. I have to admit, even I enjoyed having him around more. Maybe I don't need to be crabby all the time, after all...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Counting Down
I can't believe it's almost Christmas again. 2008 is almost over and the kids will be having birthdays soon. How is it possible that my "baby" is going to be three years old?! And Abby is going to be FIVE! She's going to be in school by the time I've blinked. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
I've been dragging out Christmas stuff from the boxes Heath got down from the attic above the garage. I don't even know where to put all the little knick-knacky things to keep them safe from the kids and the cats. The tree was bad enough. I had the presence of mind to use shatterproof ornaments on the lower half of the tree and thank goodness I did. The cats won't leave them on the tree. It could be worse, I suppose. They could be CLIMBING the tree. I actually don't understand why they haven't tried this. Perhaps not having front claws actually HAS hindered them in some way.
Abby and Perrin have really been enjoying the advent calendars. That's the first thing they want to do when they wake up each morning. Finding stuff to fill Perrin's wasn't easy. They really don't make tiny toys for boys. Oh sure, Legos are tiny, but how much fun would THAT be? One Lego each day? Those were out. Matchbox cars were too long to fit. Candy wouldn't really have been fair to Abby (or his breakfast). I managed to find a few little animals and a tiny tractor, but I used Littlest Pet Shop toys to fill in the rest. Technically, they're girl toys, but he usually wants whatever Abby has anyway, so... I did what I had to do. He's having fun and that makes me happy.
I've gotten all of the Christmas cards ready to mail out. I just need to get the money for stamps to mail them. I really should have controlled my spending better. I also have to mail Heath's mom's Christmas gift and on ornament for an ornament exchange for Perrin's Birthday Club on Baby Zone. I haven't really started the baking yet, but my mom bought me a stand mixer for my birthday. As soon as I pick it up from her house I can get started. I'm lazy, though.
The kids and I have been watching all of the usual Christmas specials on television. Rudolph in still my favorite. The animated Grinch is a close second. As for "grown-up" Christmas movies, "A Christmas Story" is, by far, my favorite. How many of us grew up with the classic "You'll shoot your eye out!" line? Not Heath, apparently. He hadn't seen it until he met me. Poor guy.
I don't know how much time I'll find to write before Christmas, but I'll try. Probably late at night when I'm having trouble sleeping. All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep.
I can't believe it's almost Christmas again. 2008 is almost over and the kids will be having birthdays soon. How is it possible that my "baby" is going to be three years old?! And Abby is going to be FIVE! She's going to be in school by the time I've blinked. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
I've been dragging out Christmas stuff from the boxes Heath got down from the attic above the garage. I don't even know where to put all the little knick-knacky things to keep them safe from the kids and the cats. The tree was bad enough. I had the presence of mind to use shatterproof ornaments on the lower half of the tree and thank goodness I did. The cats won't leave them on the tree. It could be worse, I suppose. They could be CLIMBING the tree. I actually don't understand why they haven't tried this. Perhaps not having front claws actually HAS hindered them in some way.
Abby and Perrin have really been enjoying the advent calendars. That's the first thing they want to do when they wake up each morning. Finding stuff to fill Perrin's wasn't easy. They really don't make tiny toys for boys. Oh sure, Legos are tiny, but how much fun would THAT be? One Lego each day? Those were out. Matchbox cars were too long to fit. Candy wouldn't really have been fair to Abby (or his breakfast). I managed to find a few little animals and a tiny tractor, but I used Littlest Pet Shop toys to fill in the rest. Technically, they're girl toys, but he usually wants whatever Abby has anyway, so... I did what I had to do. He's having fun and that makes me happy.I've gotten all of the Christmas cards ready to mail out. I just need to get the money for stamps to mail them. I really should have controlled my spending better. I also have to mail Heath's mom's Christmas gift and on ornament for an ornament exchange for Perrin's Birthday Club on Baby Zone. I haven't really started the baking yet, but my mom bought me a stand mixer for my birthday. As soon as I pick it up from her house I can get started. I'm lazy, though.
The kids and I have been watching all of the usual Christmas specials on television. Rudolph in still my favorite. The animated Grinch is a close second. As for "grown-up" Christmas movies, "A Christmas Story" is, by far, my favorite. How many of us grew up with the classic "You'll shoot your eye out!" line? Not Heath, apparently. He hadn't seen it until he met me. Poor guy.
I don't know how much time I'll find to write before Christmas, but I'll try. Probably late at night when I'm having trouble sleeping. All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
The Holidays Begin
I can't believe how long it's been since I've written anything. I guess it's just that time of year. It seems like everything gets so much busier after Halloween. Heath's birthday was on November 7th and mine was on the 25th. We went out with Will and Betsy and some of their friends for Heath's birthday and Betsy took me out for a "Girls' Night" at Mickey's for mine. The last part of that night is pretty fuzzy to me, but we had fun. If only I could remember the name of the guy standing with us in the picture on my camera...
Having a late night out drinking was a nice change, especially with Betsy, but I didn't stick with my plan to take it easy and I paid for it the next day. It was the day before Thanksgiving (which I was hosting) and our house was still a disaster. Yet, all I could do for most of the day was lie around and try to rehydrate myself. Heath took pity on me and helped me clean, though, so we managed to get most of it taken care of. Thanksgiving went well and I somehow managed to get all of the food ready at the same time. Hosting my first holiday dinner wasn't as bad as I thought. Although, I was more than ready for a nap when it was over!
Heath and my dad got up somewhere around 3am on Black Friday to go to Wal-Mart. They each bought a new 42" flat panel television. I even persuaded Heath to pick up a few things from the rest of the ad while he was there. I went out to a couple of places later that afternoon when it wasn't so busy. I'm always glad I no longer work in retail when this time of year hits. At least my years doing so has taught me to have patience with those who DO still work in retail.
I started reading the "Twilight" books just before my birthday. Curiosity finally got the better of me. I read the first two in about 48 hours and started the third before my birthday and Thanksgiving hit. I bought the fourth on this week, but I also read another novel in between, so I've read over four books in the last week and a half. I've really missed reading. I've been trying to get the kids to bed earlier and then I stay up and read. Sometimes, for hours.
As for my medical issues, all my tests came back normal. That means there is no underlying cause for my mental issues. I was kind of hoping for a scapegoat. The increased dose of Lexapro seems to be taking the edge off of me, anyway. I'm a bit less unpleasant.
Now that Thanksgiving is over, we're getting ready for our first Christmas in the new house. I bought advent calendars for the kids to countdown to Christmas. They're having fun with them. It's nice for them to have a tangible way to see how many days are left. We also got the tree bought and put up. Still haven't gotten to decorating outside yet, but maybe tomorrow. I hate snow. If only it wasn't so cold. I'm really loving our fireplace right now. Not too much though, because it's not cheap to use it. So, Santa, you don't need to worry about being toasted when you come in. I'll just leave a nightlight on.
I can't believe how long it's been since I've written anything. I guess it's just that time of year. It seems like everything gets so much busier after Halloween. Heath's birthday was on November 7th and mine was on the 25th. We went out with Will and Betsy and some of their friends for Heath's birthday and Betsy took me out for a "Girls' Night" at Mickey's for mine. The last part of that night is pretty fuzzy to me, but we had fun. If only I could remember the name of the guy standing with us in the picture on my camera...
Having a late night out drinking was a nice change, especially with Betsy, but I didn't stick with my plan to take it easy and I paid for it the next day. It was the day before Thanksgiving (which I was hosting) and our house was still a disaster. Yet, all I could do for most of the day was lie around and try to rehydrate myself. Heath took pity on me and helped me clean, though, so we managed to get most of it taken care of. Thanksgiving went well and I somehow managed to get all of the food ready at the same time. Hosting my first holiday dinner wasn't as bad as I thought. Although, I was more than ready for a nap when it was over!
Heath and my dad got up somewhere around 3am on Black Friday to go to Wal-Mart. They each bought a new 42" flat panel television. I even persuaded Heath to pick up a few things from the rest of the ad while he was there. I went out to a couple of places later that afternoon when it wasn't so busy. I'm always glad I no longer work in retail when this time of year hits. At least my years doing so has taught me to have patience with those who DO still work in retail.
I started reading the "Twilight" books just before my birthday. Curiosity finally got the better of me. I read the first two in about 48 hours and started the third before my birthday and Thanksgiving hit. I bought the fourth on this week, but I also read another novel in between, so I've read over four books in the last week and a half. I've really missed reading. I've been trying to get the kids to bed earlier and then I stay up and read. Sometimes, for hours.
As for my medical issues, all my tests came back normal. That means there is no underlying cause for my mental issues. I was kind of hoping for a scapegoat. The increased dose of Lexapro seems to be taking the edge off of me, anyway. I'm a bit less unpleasant.
Now that Thanksgiving is over, we're getting ready for our first Christmas in the new house. I bought advent calendars for the kids to countdown to Christmas. They're having fun with them. It's nice for them to have a tangible way to see how many days are left. We also got the tree bought and put up. Still haven't gotten to decorating outside yet, but maybe tomorrow. I hate snow. If only it wasn't so cold. I'm really loving our fireplace right now. Not too much though, because it's not cheap to use it. So, Santa, you don't need to worry about being toasted when you come in. I'll just leave a nightlight on.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Restless & Waiting
I'll admit that doctors and other medical professionals are pretty busy people, but I hate waiting for test results. Test results that probably won't even tell them anything. It's probably nothing, but I'm still agitated.
The weather doesn't help things. I need to see the sun every so often. I've always thought that I would like to live in England, but isn't it dreary most of the time over there? Of course, it would be England and not Iowa, so I'd probably feel differently. Actually, that probably wouldn't last, but I'll never get to find out. I have to be realistic in my expectations. England is simply out of reach for me. At least I have BBCA to keep me warm at night.
The kids had an interesting conversation the other morning. Perrin woke me up to say, "Mommy, you's not wearing your booby trap". (By this he meant my bra, which I then realized he had in his hand. I was NOT going to explain to him why I don't sleep in it.)
Abby: "That's not a booby trap."
Perrin: "What is it?"
Abby: "It's to cover mommy's boobies."
Perrin: "No! It's a booby trap!"
I've come to the conclusion that I need more privacy. I don't let them see me naked and I try not to change my clothes in front of them. I think maybe I waited too long to start this. I just didn't realize how big they've gotten. It sneaks up on me. One day they're learning how to walk and the next they're trying on ALL of your clothes. I want them to have SOME modesty, but if they're anything like their father that's going to be a challenge. It's great to be comfortable with your body, but there still need to be limits. (I love you and your quirks, dear)
If anyone happens to see the sun, send it this way, will you? I'm tired of the squishy lawn.
I'll admit that doctors and other medical professionals are pretty busy people, but I hate waiting for test results. Test results that probably won't even tell them anything. It's probably nothing, but I'm still agitated.
The weather doesn't help things. I need to see the sun every so often. I've always thought that I would like to live in England, but isn't it dreary most of the time over there? Of course, it would be England and not Iowa, so I'd probably feel differently. Actually, that probably wouldn't last, but I'll never get to find out. I have to be realistic in my expectations. England is simply out of reach for me. At least I have BBCA to keep me warm at night.
The kids had an interesting conversation the other morning. Perrin woke me up to say, "Mommy, you's not wearing your booby trap". (By this he meant my bra, which I then realized he had in his hand. I was NOT going to explain to him why I don't sleep in it.)
Abby: "That's not a booby trap."
Perrin: "What is it?"
Abby: "It's to cover mommy's boobies."
Perrin: "No! It's a booby trap!"
I've come to the conclusion that I need more privacy. I don't let them see me naked and I try not to change my clothes in front of them. I think maybe I waited too long to start this. I just didn't realize how big they've gotten. It sneaks up on me. One day they're learning how to walk and the next they're trying on ALL of your clothes. I want them to have SOME modesty, but if they're anything like their father that's going to be a challenge. It's great to be comfortable with your body, but there still need to be limits. (I love you and your quirks, dear)
If anyone happens to see the sun, send it this way, will you? I'm tired of the squishy lawn.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Testing
I went to the doctor yesterday. She doubled my Lexapro, had blood drawn, and scheduled me for an ultrasound on my thyroid. I think that if there IS anything wrong with my thyroid, that it's just coincidence. I mean, surely, with all of the blood I had drawn and tested throughout both pregnancies SOMEONE would have caught that. (By the way, baby ultrasounds are much more fun.) Whatever the case, I won't get the results for two days. That's right. Leave a pessimist alone with a vague suggestion and the internet for two days. Thanks alot.
I went to the doctor yesterday. She doubled my Lexapro, had blood drawn, and scheduled me for an ultrasound on my thyroid. I think that if there IS anything wrong with my thyroid, that it's just coincidence. I mean, surely, with all of the blood I had drawn and tested throughout both pregnancies SOMEONE would have caught that. (By the way, baby ultrasounds are much more fun.) Whatever the case, I won't get the results for two days. That's right. Leave a pessimist alone with a vague suggestion and the internet for two days. Thanks alot.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Okay. So I'm obviously imbalanced. I made a call to the doctors' office today and I'm going in tomorrow morning to have my head checked. I want to be optimistic, but it's not in my nature. They'll give me more tests to take and I'll fill them out. They'll score them and not actual give me a diagnosis. That's not to say they won't write one in their little file, but they won't tell me.
Then, they'll either up the dosage of the meds I'm already on, add something to them, or put me on something new altogether. When they started me on the Lexapro, they informed me of something I hadn't known. Apparently, changing anti-depressants once increases your chances of having to be on them again. Changing them MORE than once pretty much guarantees that you'll be on them for even longer. I'm on my fourth different anti-depressant. So, yeah, I'll be on them forever.
Anyway... I have realized that my rocker is off kilter and I'm doing something about it before I rock right off the porch. More drugs. Maybe they'll even recommend a therapist this time. I'm going to come back and read this later (Hi, Self!) and probably delete it. Although, perhaps I'll leave it for posterity.
Then, they'll either up the dosage of the meds I'm already on, add something to them, or put me on something new altogether. When they started me on the Lexapro, they informed me of something I hadn't known. Apparently, changing anti-depressants once increases your chances of having to be on them again. Changing them MORE than once pretty much guarantees that you'll be on them for even longer. I'm on my fourth different anti-depressant. So, yeah, I'll be on them forever.
Anyway... I have realized that my rocker is off kilter and I'm doing something about it before I rock right off the porch. More drugs. Maybe they'll even recommend a therapist this time. I'm going to come back and read this later (Hi, Self!) and probably delete it. Although, perhaps I'll leave it for posterity.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Confessions of a Desperate Housewife
Maybe "desperate" isn't exactly the right word. Maybe "depressed" would be more appropriate. Just doesn't have the same ring to it, you know? I'm pretty sure I wrote previously that I wasn't going to talk about my mental issues anymore. Well, I've failed at everything else so I might as well fail at that, too.
I've never been a real bucket of joy to begin with. I've never been deeply analyzed by a professional so I'm not sure if it's nature or nurture that made me this way. Either way, I'm sure it's my fault. That's not to say I haven't been in therapy, because I have. Several times. They let me talk and talk, but they never really give me any insight. Let's face it. I'm not doing all that well on my own, here.
I'm lousy at keeping the house clean. It doesn't matter if we live in 700 square feet or 7000 square feet. I would still not be able to keep it tidy. I'm a hoarder. I'm one of those people that could easily be on one of those HGTV shows where they intervene because some poor husband calls in and says his wife is useless when it comes to keeping the house tidy. The ironic thing is, I LIKE organizing things. I LIKE it when things are in order. I'll be damned if I can keep it that way, though. I pile things all over the place. I keep things that I don't really need to keep just in case I might need them "someday".
I'm horrible at putting variety into the family feeding schedule. I'm not even good at including vegetables a lot of the time. I'm not very patient in the kitchen and touching raw meat practically makes me sick. In spite of the fact that they like it, I think my kids eat entirely too much peanut butter. At least I make them eat "real" food while I manage to exist on junk food and strawberry soda. Of course, strawberry soda IS junk food...
I've slacked off in my parenting duties. My kids are intelligent. Abby could easily be reading by now, but I've not been working with her like I should. We used to do all sorts of fun and educational things, but since Perrin was born (and this is in NO WAY his fault), I haven't done as much with her. I still read to them and let them color and occasionally, we go someplace fun, but I'm not challenging her mind like I used to. Or Perrin's for that matter. I'm probably ruining them for life already. It seems like I spend every waking moment with them, but it's not enough. Then, I feel like I NEED to get away from them for awhile, but when I do, I feel guilty that I'm not with them.
I spend money. I can't seem to STOP spending money.
I'm not even going to BEGIN to get into my failures as a wife.
I have a great husband, great kids, a great house, a great car, great pets, great family. WTH do I have to complain about. And yet, I do. I feel tired and crabby and lonely and depressed. And I hate myself for it.
I suppose all this should make it clear to me why I can't keep friends. On the rare occasion that I do connect with someone, it never lasts long. Eventually they stop calling or ignore my emails (Sarah, you still email me almost daily even in the "dark place"). Heath and I had friends who were a couple. They came to our wedding and then wouldn't return our calls. I still don't understand that. An explanation would have been nice. Even a "Hey. We just don't really like you guys after all." would have sufficed.
Maybe friends are overrated. I mean, I already have enough people telling me what a pathetic job I'm doing at everything. Between them and my own inner voice, I'm doing pretty well with it all. I know I'm going to come back and read this later and feel like an idiot. At least I'm familiar with that. Those of you who are NOT challenged by emotional unrest will likely read this and decide to avoid me from now on. I'm used to that, too. I can't say as I don't understand why.
Maybe "desperate" isn't exactly the right word. Maybe "depressed" would be more appropriate. Just doesn't have the same ring to it, you know? I'm pretty sure I wrote previously that I wasn't going to talk about my mental issues anymore. Well, I've failed at everything else so I might as well fail at that, too.
I've never been a real bucket of joy to begin with. I've never been deeply analyzed by a professional so I'm not sure if it's nature or nurture that made me this way. Either way, I'm sure it's my fault. That's not to say I haven't been in therapy, because I have. Several times. They let me talk and talk, but they never really give me any insight. Let's face it. I'm not doing all that well on my own, here.
I'm lousy at keeping the house clean. It doesn't matter if we live in 700 square feet or 7000 square feet. I would still not be able to keep it tidy. I'm a hoarder. I'm one of those people that could easily be on one of those HGTV shows where they intervene because some poor husband calls in and says his wife is useless when it comes to keeping the house tidy. The ironic thing is, I LIKE organizing things. I LIKE it when things are in order. I'll be damned if I can keep it that way, though. I pile things all over the place. I keep things that I don't really need to keep just in case I might need them "someday".
I'm horrible at putting variety into the family feeding schedule. I'm not even good at including vegetables a lot of the time. I'm not very patient in the kitchen and touching raw meat practically makes me sick. In spite of the fact that they like it, I think my kids eat entirely too much peanut butter. At least I make them eat "real" food while I manage to exist on junk food and strawberry soda. Of course, strawberry soda IS junk food...
I've slacked off in my parenting duties. My kids are intelligent. Abby could easily be reading by now, but I've not been working with her like I should. We used to do all sorts of fun and educational things, but since Perrin was born (and this is in NO WAY his fault), I haven't done as much with her. I still read to them and let them color and occasionally, we go someplace fun, but I'm not challenging her mind like I used to. Or Perrin's for that matter. I'm probably ruining them for life already. It seems like I spend every waking moment with them, but it's not enough. Then, I feel like I NEED to get away from them for awhile, but when I do, I feel guilty that I'm not with them.
I spend money. I can't seem to STOP spending money.
I'm not even going to BEGIN to get into my failures as a wife.
I have a great husband, great kids, a great house, a great car, great pets, great family. WTH do I have to complain about. And yet, I do. I feel tired and crabby and lonely and depressed. And I hate myself for it.
I suppose all this should make it clear to me why I can't keep friends. On the rare occasion that I do connect with someone, it never lasts long. Eventually they stop calling or ignore my emails (Sarah, you still email me almost daily even in the "dark place"). Heath and I had friends who were a couple. They came to our wedding and then wouldn't return our calls. I still don't understand that. An explanation would have been nice. Even a "Hey. We just don't really like you guys after all." would have sufficed.
Maybe friends are overrated. I mean, I already have enough people telling me what a pathetic job I'm doing at everything. Between them and my own inner voice, I'm doing pretty well with it all. I know I'm going to come back and read this later and feel like an idiot. At least I'm familiar with that. Those of you who are NOT challenged by emotional unrest will likely read this and decide to avoid me from now on. I'm used to that, too. I can't say as I don't understand why.
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