Wuthering Hyders

What Comes After



I should probably just turn off my laptop and try to sleep, but I just feel like a giant ball of tangled rainbow yarn and I doubt I could sleep without writing something, ANYTHING, to pull a few threads loose so tomorrow will seem simpler. I know it's just stress and serious lack of sleep, but my emotions have been all over the map today and I am WORN OUT. I hate feeling this way because it throws me off balance. I am perfectly capable of controlling my emotions MOST of the time. It's just difficult when all of my energy is focused on just keeping my body awake though.

I was so nervous about working and being away from the kids and Heath so much. I still don't like that part, but the work isn't bad and the people I work with are, for the most part, a stellar bunch of people. I've had some really deep conversations and an unending supply of opportunities to sharpen my wit. It's sort of like an emotional high. Or maybe that's just the feeling of being sleep-deprived. Whatever it is, it's been nice to remember what just being me is like. I actually DO have a personality outside of wife and mother, but I tend to forget that. It's been interesting to get to know so many new people and have them actually seem to like me. Granted, they don't know me very well, but if I keep it that way maybe I can actually have friends.

I'm all irritable and smoldering at the moment. It's like no matter what I do I can't get anything right. There's never enough time. There's never enough money. I want to just curl up into a ball and cry for a day or five. Maybe I'm just wearing myself out by pretending to be some normal, happy person all weekend when I probably have no real hope of ever being either one of those. I'll bet you're thinking I should stay on those meds now, aren't you? Like I said. I'm tired and I just need to write some of it out. I try so hard not to think about the things that upset me. Like how much I miss my kids all weekend. How I feel like I'm a horrible mother for spending so much time away from them. How I hardly feel like a mom at ALL when I come home and it makes me feel lost. How I'm scared about being out in the "real" world again because I have all together too much experience with how cruel people can be for no apparent reason. I try my best to be nice to everyone. To be thoughtful and kind, but I'm terrified that I'm still going to piss someone off no matter what I do and I'm going to get hurt again. People, on average, just don't seem to like me. I might as well have "Kick Me" tattooed on my head.

This is the storm. The mad, frantic winds of the tornado that send the debris of my life spiraling into oblivion. My tears are merely the rain that lashes against my face as I stand defiantly against the wind and watch the lightning slash the skies in it's constant battle to upstage the thunder that rolls in like a freight train. I am small. I am weak. I've been thrown before, but it hasn't destroyed me yet and I stand, daring the storm to crush me in its mighty throes. I know pain. Though I still fear it, I know there is also a measure of comfort in the familiar. It will scar me. It will not leave me unchanged in its fury, but it will not take me yet. My weakness may prove to be my salvation should I learn to bend. Though perhaps I am strong enough to stand against it all. I KNOW there is something more to my life that remains just out of reach. Is it possible this storm will be the one that brings it within reach?

So what comes after? After the storm is spent and all is still? Will I be left standing in the same place I started or will I be miles away with a completely different view? I wish I could see that far ahead, but if I had the insight to see the outcome would I feel the desire to change it and risk losing the lessons it might teach? Ugh. I don't know. I DO know that I'm tired and a mess right now. Must. Suppress. Dark. Twisty. Side.

I'll feel better tomorrow, I'm sure. Sleep is a miracle worker.