Where Did She Learn THAT?

She looks so sweet doesn't she? I remember how I used to think that whenever I looked at her. Yet underneath that fetching smile and tousled bedhead is something that is less sugar and more spice. Heck, it borders on curdled sometimes! She's reminiscent of the infamous "Little Girl With the Curl". You know the one I'm talking about, right? "When she was good, she was very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid"? This being my first experience with raising a two year-old, I'm just going to take a wild guess and say that she's not the only one like this. I'm sure you more seasoned mothers will smile knowingly and think "Just wait until she hits ( insert age here )!". My neighbor, and friend, Kris, is one of these mothers. She has four children ranging in age from ten to two and they are all very well behaved, so I respect her opinions. We have very different parenting styles, but I know there's a lot I can learn from her. I'm one step away from being one of those "attachment" parents. I co-sleep with my kids, held them all the time when they were babies ( Perrin still fits this description ), watch preschool television programs with them, etc. Kris has never let any of her children sleep in her bed and believes that the time the kids spend watching television is her chance to get something done. I don't think either one of us loves her kids more or is a better mother, but I will say this... Her house is always in order and mine is usually not.

I digress. Abby has always been a quick study when it comes to learning new things. She knew the entire alphabet before she turned one. In fact, the first letter she learned was "W". Not because I tried to teach her that letter, but because she chose to learn it. She knows what shape an octagon is and what color chartreuse is. She uses words like "interesting" and "adagio". Heath doesn't even know what "adagio" means! She also knows all the words to what seems like a million songs. Maybe it's just because I'm her mom, but I'm pretty impressed.

Lately she's been picking up weird little things here and there that I'm not entirely sure of the source of. For instance, the other night, Heath was going to take her upstairs and she turned to look at him, held up her index finger and stated, " I want a vitamin.". I give her a vitamin every night, so the statement itself wasn't surprising. It was the way she made it look like a proclamation. She's done it several times since then. This holding up of the index finger like the world is supposed to cease it's rotation while she speaks. "I'll be RIGHT back, Mommy!" O-kay! I'll just sit here and await your glorious return, shall I?

And heaven forbid things don't go her way! Holy cow! Last night she had a total meltdown and cried hysterically through undressing, bathtime, dressing, bedtime and all. She ALWAYS loves taking a bath! Last night I had to physically put her into the tub kicking and screaming ( she REALLY needed a bath ) and she bawled the entire time. I had to wash her as quickly as I could while trying to keep her in the tub at the same time. This is no easy feat with a wet two year-old. I was done in no more than two minutes and reached down to let the water go. She screamed at me and said she didn't want to get out! By this point, my patience was starting to wear thin. I told her she could let the water go when she was ready to get out and left her a towel on the lid of the toilet. I left the door open and went across the hall to nurse Perrin to sleep as he was now in hysterics as well. She sat in the tub and cried for about ten more minutes before I went in and picked her up and put her out of the tub. More thrashing and wailing ensued. Oh, joy. Of course, all this noise kept Perrin awake and crying. I managed to get a diaper and the top of her pajamas on her when she started wailing for her "Tubby jammies". I thought, hey, this is progress! She's finally suggesting something she DOES want! I had offered several things to try and calm her down prior to this with no success. So we found the Teletubby jammies and got a drink. Things seemed to be looking up until I laid down facing Perrin and not her. I can't win! Urgh!

Long story short, she eventually rode out the tantrum and her breathing settled from it's ragged gasps. I finally got them both to sleep. This morning, she woke up in such a jolly mood it was like someone had switched her with an identical twin in the middle of the night. Which I KNOW is not possible since I distinctly remember giving birth to just one child at a time. I hope this is just part of growing up and not an indication of her mental health later in life. All I can say is, thank goodness for the sugar moments. They make the spice moments all but disappear.

It Just Hit Me...

I was in bed just watching Perrin sleep when I had one of those heart-wrenching moments that all mothers have every so often when they look at their children, especially their babies. Those moments that come flying up from behind you and just knock the wind out of you. They never come when you're expecting them. They come when you're watching your child on the swings at the park or spying from the doorway while they carry on conversations with stuffed animals or imaginary friends. That awareness that one day, all too soon, they are going to be "grown up" and not need you anymore. Oh, sure, they'll still need you for emotional support and a few things here and there, but you won't be the center of their universe any longer. Gone will be the days of seeing their faces light up with sheer joy when you walk into the room. They will be replaced with the days of melancholy teenagers who shrug and mumble "Fine." when you ask how their day was. Instead of running into your arms to be hugged no matter who was watching, they'll blush and try to escape your hugs quickly in case one of their friends is looking.

I know that it's possible to still have a great relationship with your kids the older they get, but I kind of like things the way they are. They love to be close to me as much as I love to be close to them. They haven't yet experienced broken hearts or tragedies. The hurts they feel can usually be healed by a kiss from mommy's lips and are forgotten within an hour at most. They have never been called hurtful names by someone who just wants to make themselves feel bigger and better. They don't care what color a person's skin is or how much stuff they have. Why can't they stay this way? Innocent to all the evil in the world? What could I possibly have done in my lifetime that was good enough to allow me to give birth to these two wonderful, amazing miracles? How do I know that I'm doing this parenting thing right? How do I learn to let them go one step at a time so they learn to stand on their own when the time comes without breaking my heart into a billion pieces? The more evil our world becomes, the more I dread them growing up. I dread having to answer questions like "Why do some mommies not want their babies even before they're born?" or "Why do people kill other people?".

Following right on the heels of these crushing feelings is the longing to stop time and live forever in this one moment. Those weekend mornings when all four of us are just lounging in Mommy and Daddy's bed or when Heath and Abby are playing hide-and-seek while Perrin snuggles with me. Those times when everything is so completely normal but for some reason you feel more satisfied than you ever have in your life and you sort of step outside yourself and watch, wishing desperately that this moment could last forever.

If time did stop though, how much would we miss? First steps? First days of school? First crushes? First cars? First dates? Would we still be satisfied with our "perfect" moments, or would we eventually realize that we might be missing something? I don't know. I just know we have to take the bad with the good. We have to figure out how to learn from the bad things and move on and celebrate and hold onto the good things, weaving them together into a blanket of memories that will keep our souls warm and banish the chill of the bad. I'm still trying to puzzle it all out. For now, I'm going to snuggle up between my little miracles and enjoy this golden time while I can.