Wuthering Hyders

More Disappointments


I know I should have seen this coming. It happens every time I try to get out and make friends. I start to come out of hiding and relax and I get blindsided. Like I'm standing at the edge of a precipice pretending I can fly and someone shoves me off. Obviously, I can't actually fly and my fear of heights keeps me away from such places, but I'm speaking metaphorically. I have real trust issues and I should have learned by now that people will never change. No matter how old you get or where you go, there will always be someone who is out to get you for some reason or another. Why do I keep letting my guard down? Why do I ever leave my house? At least here, I'm prepared. Yeah, I know. I'm paranoid and all, but you would be too if you were me. Count your blessings that you're not.

Now don't get me wrong. I know my life could be worse. I'm pretty damn lucky to have all that I have. That's one thing that makes me hate myself for feeling this way. It's pathetic to feel sorry for myself. If I could only turn throwing pity parties into a business, I'd be rich.

Why are you going off your meds, you ask? Why not? I mean, studies show they don't really do much more than placebo pills and my own "research" confirms that. I'm just so tired. Meds or no meds, I'm still a failure at anything I try to accomplish. I can count on one hand the number of times anyone has been proud of me. Let me assure you, I would need many, MANY more hands to count the times they've been disappointed in me.

I thought getting out and doing this movie-thing would be good for me. Right. Where do I get this naivete from? I made friends and started to really connect with people and then it all went horribly wrong somehow. I still don't know how. I don't even know if I have a job anymore because I feel like I'm being lied to about the whole thing. Everyone is avoiding me and, in spite of what I was told, I seem to be the only one who was sent home at all. I didn't buy the whole "you need rest for next week" line anyway. Why not just save me all the wondering and tell me the truth? That I'm useless and you're sorry I ever showed up? I know there are things just burning to be said by more than one person. I TRIED. I'm sorry I made friends and had a good time. I really wanted this to work. I thought I'd finally found a place where I fit in, but I see now that I'm not meant to fit in anywhere. The rest of the world will see to that. It always has.

Am I giving up? I don't know. I'm tired. So tired. It hurts all the time. I feel too heavy to keep carrying everything around but I don't know how to let go of it. I feel alone and defeated. This is the dark and twisty side that nobody likes, not even me. We're bound together though. Perhaps I would die without this other me. I shall surely die one day anyhow. Probably far, far away from today. Maybe I'll have learned to live in harmony with my dark half by then and have some semblence of happiness. Or maybe I'll just be too senile to remember I'm depressed in the first place. What's that? A ray of hope? I'm allowed to have a sense of humor about all this, you know. I mean, if we can't laugh at ourselves, who CAN we laugh at?