Please Tell Me You're Joking

I don't consider myself a fashion guru. At all. On the other hand, I can usually manage to dress myself well enough to avoid showing up on the "People of Walmart" website. I like to think I can chose appropriate clothing that flatters my post-childbirth body at least moderately well. I'm no supermodel, but let's be honest, neither are THEY, really.

While I agree that first impressions make a difference, I just don't understand why people will spend $500 on a pair of jeans. Really?! For JEANS?! You'd think such stupidity would be illegal in some way. You'd think. I mean, if you put pictures of the same woman wearing different brands of jeans, say, from Walmart and whatever brand of ridiculously overpriced jeans you choose, and I'd be willing to bet the majority of the female population couldn't tell which ones were the expensive pair.

Now, when you spend what amounts to an entire year's worth of pay for the child in the sweat shop that MADE the item you purchase, is that something you're actually thinking about? Do you rationalize it in your head as "charity work"? It's not like the kid would get so much as a grain of rice without your buying that handbag that pays for their hours of labor. Right? Of course, maybe you've "earned" it. Driving to and from soccer practice on the nanny's day of is SO much work!

Even if I won the lottery nineteen times, I STILL would not have the desire to spend thousands of dollars on a handbag any more than I would have the desire to wipe my rear end with dollar bills. It's a BAG. It doesn't cook or clean, or even help you find your freakin' car keys! It does the same thing a less expensive bag would do. Although, I can pretty much guarantee that if an ink pen leaks all over your designer handbag, you're going to be a LOT more upset than I would be if the same thing happens in my cheap purse.

Have you ever noticed how the people who PAY for labels are the very people who claim they don't care about them? They get some weird self esteem boost from flashing their little labels, never realizing that it's actually more like a "Hello, My Name is Gullible" badge. I suppose it's sad, really. Except, I find it funny. I like imagine the looks on their faces when they step in a "surprise" left behind by a "designer" dog, or find out someone keyed their fully-loaded luxury SUV in the parking garage. What can I say? It's the little things!

So don't expect to see me bust out the big bucks for Chanel or Prada anytime soon. Or ever. I carry a "purse", not a "handbag". When you walk past proudly flashing your labels and you hear a choking sound, that's me. Trying not to spray Coke out through my nose as I laugh. Wouldn't want to get anything on those expensive shoes!