Wuthering Hyders

My Scarlet Letter


If I ever wondered what it felt like to be Hester Prynne, I know now. Yup. I had an affair. I'm a whore, a slut, a liar, a cheater, a harlot, and adulterer, whatever you want to call me. Don't feel bad doing it either because you won't be the first or last. And believe me, nothing you say could come CLOSE to the things I think about myself. I suppose I really had no business getting married anyway. Condemning another person to spend the rest of their lives with me is cruel.

So, what happened? Why? I wish I knew what the "why" was. As for what happened... I think we all know what goes on during an affair. It was someone I met on the movie set. It didn't feel like reality. I knew it was wrong and yet I couldn't seem to stop myself. Was it the things he said or the way he looked at me? Maybe, but I should have been stronger. I guess I just wanted to believe I was in love. Needed to believe it, even. I mean, if I can fall in love again, it means I'm not broken and that there may be hope for my marriage after all? Yeah. It doesn't make sense. As much as I tell myself love is not just a feeling, it's a choice, I can't seem to live it. Maybe I just have no idea what love really is. At least, not between a man and a woman. I obviously am a failure at it whatever it is.

My entire family is, of course, behind Heath. I'm the one in the wrong. I don't even know how many people know about it all by now. All anybody wants to talk to me about anymore is the affair. Like that's all I am now. The Cheater. At least my mom had the decency to be honest enough to say nobody should be surprised. And my dad told Heath he would have divorced me by now if he were in his shoes. Heath's lawyer told him he could easily get full custody of the kids and have me committed. So you tell me. What do I have left? Am I getting all that I deserve? Not enough? I don't know how much more I can stand. I'm just trying to survive until my psych appointment at this point.

Heath says I'm not trying. He's mad because I haven't apologized or asked him to put his ring back on and I don't want to talk about it every single day. What am I supposed to do? I mean, how do you apologize for something like this? He only sees what he wants to see and nothing I say makes any difference. Nobody sees what's going on inside me. I manage to cover the hurt with a blanket of anger because it seems like what people want. I'm not allowed to be sorry or sad or cry. Oh, no. That would make me seem like the victim and since it's all my fault I have no right to pity or concern. No matter how raw and bleeding I feel on the inside, it's not enough. I still deserve more. More pain. More sadness. More loneliness. It will never be enough.

I feel like everyone just wishes I would disappear. Let them raise my kids since they could do it much better than I could, right? I'm only a disappointment anyway. Everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. Just start walking. Can't take the car since I can't afford gas. No one but the kids would miss me, and they're young enough they'd forget me in time. Not that I'd survive long without them. I know how dark and depressing it sounds, but that's how I feel. Disposable. Useless. Utterly replaceable. Totally forgettable.

So. Am I sorry? More so than anyone will ever know. My head is so screwed up right now that I don't even know how sorry I am yet. I'm still trying to grasp the full weight of the situation. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. I'm sorry I hurt so many people. I'm sorry I'm incapable of loving a man. I'm sorry I cheated. I'm sorry I was born. Nothing I do will ever be enough. Poor me, right? Getting just what I had coming to me. I guess I never really expected to find love anyway. Not really. I mean, I hoped, but I never really believed it. I used to have dreams. Now I have nightmares. Only fair really.

I don't know what my future holds. I'm not optimistic. According to Heath's lawyer, I should just give him the kids and commit myself so they don't have to do it for me. The kids are the ones who are really going to suffer. Heath will have to put Abby in public school and Perrin in daycare. Abby won't get to do ballet. They won't have parents really. Heath will be working and I'll be locked safely away. No more play dates or trips to the library. And they didn't do anything to deserve it. Everyone will simply blame me. It IS all my fault isn't it?

What do I do now? Commit myself? Disappear? Grovel? Fight? Cry? Give up? I wish someone would just tell me. I'm certainly not capable of making the right decision on my own. I guess I'll get what I deserve.