Wuthering Hyders

It Just Hit Me...

I was in bed just watching Perrin sleep when I had one of those heart-wrenching moments that all mothers have every so often when they look at their children, especially their babies. Those moments that come flying up from behind you and just knock the wind out of you. They never come when you're expecting them. They come when you're watching your child on the swings at the park or spying from the doorway while they carry on conversations with stuffed animals or imaginary friends. That awareness that one day, all too soon, they are going to be "grown up" and not need you anymore. Oh, sure, they'll still need you for emotional support and a few things here and there, but you won't be the center of their universe any longer. Gone will be the days of seeing their faces light up with sheer joy when you walk into the room. They will be replaced with the days of melancholy teenagers who shrug and mumble "Fine." when you ask how their day was. Instead of running into your arms to be hugged no matter who was watching, they'll blush and try to escape your hugs quickly in case one of their friends is looking.

I know that it's possible to still have a great relationship with your kids the older they get, but I kind of like things the way they are. They love to be close to me as much as I love to be close to them. They haven't yet experienced broken hearts or tragedies. The hurts they feel can usually be healed by a kiss from mommy's lips and are forgotten within an hour at most. They have never been called hurtful names by someone who just wants to make themselves feel bigger and better. They don't care what color a person's skin is or how much stuff they have. Why can't they stay this way? Innocent to all the evil in the world? What could I possibly have done in my lifetime that was good enough to allow me to give birth to these two wonderful, amazing miracles? How do I know that I'm doing this parenting thing right? How do I learn to let them go one step at a time so they learn to stand on their own when the time comes without breaking my heart into a billion pieces? The more evil our world becomes, the more I dread them growing up. I dread having to answer questions like "Why do some mommies not want their babies even before they're born?" or "Why do people kill other people?".

Following right on the heels of these crushing feelings is the longing to stop time and live forever in this one moment. Those weekend mornings when all four of us are just lounging in Mommy and Daddy's bed or when Heath and Abby are playing hide-and-seek while Perrin snuggles with me. Those times when everything is so completely normal but for some reason you feel more satisfied than you ever have in your life and you sort of step outside yourself and watch, wishing desperately that this moment could last forever.

If time did stop though, how much would we miss? First steps? First days of school? First crushes? First cars? First dates? Would we still be satisfied with our "perfect" moments, or would we eventually realize that we might be missing something? I don't know. I just know we have to take the bad with the good. We have to figure out how to learn from the bad things and move on and celebrate and hold onto the good things, weaving them together into a blanket of memories that will keep our souls warm and banish the chill of the bad. I'm still trying to puzzle it all out. For now, I'm going to snuggle up between my little miracles and enjoy this golden time while I can.